Algún día.


*sigh*

I’m such a words girl. But every girl wants to be shown that she is loved too. Girls want men to pursue them. They want to be sought and wooed and desired. They want to be women worth fighting for.

But we don’t just want a knight in shining armor (though sometimes that seems nice), we want what I think everyone wants — a best friend. Women desire a best friend to fall in love with; a relationship that gives and takes; a partner in crime.

I’m excited for the day God gives me my husband, my best friend, the one I share my heart with and who shares his with me… the one who doesn’t hesitate to tell me what he’s struggling with or how he finds joy, or about the days that are especially good and the days that are mundane. I look forward to the day God gives me that best friend to walk beside, and serve Him with, and laugh with, and love.

But for now I wait. I wait to be sought and pursued and desired. (Algún día. Si Dios quiere.) And I keep my heart safe in the hands of the One who has already sought, already pursued, and has always desired her.

The wall.

Three years ago I started building a wall. Brick by brick I built it. I built it strong and tall for fear that the heart inside would be captured and broken again.

Now the wall is being broken down and it terrifies me. Bricks are falling and the inside of my heart is becoming vulnerable again. As more bricks fall, I put out my strongest defenses and wait. I prepare for the worst so no one will be able to knock down the rest of the wall. I brace myself for the worst attacker, Heartbreak…

If he says, “I can’t talk,” I assume he means, “I can’t talk because I really don’t like you. I’m secretly hiding it so you don’t get hurt. By the way, I’ll probably never want to talk again because now it’s just awkward.” Yikes!

But it isn’t true. Heartbreak never comes. I worry for nothing.

“I can’t talk,” usually means, “My brother needs the computer so I’ll text you later,” or, “I wish we could talk, but I have to go to the store for my mom because she’s not feeling well today,” or, “I just went running and I’m starving, but I’ll be back in an hour.”

A few more bricks fall from the wall I tried so hard to build. Why do I try to defend a wall that doesn’t want to stand? Why do I build this wall when Heartbreak is no where to be found?

Because my heart has broken before…
Because I’m afraid of being vulnerable…
Because someone told me I wasn’t worth the wait…

And because there was a time when someone said, “I’m sorry I can’t talk,” and it really did mean, “Our lives are too different and I could never love you enough. By the way, I’ve fallen in love with someone else, so we can’t ever talk again. It’s better that way.” Ouch.

My heart loved until it hurt and then it broke until there were enough pieces to build the wall. This wall around my heart prevents me from letting in people I love because I’m worried they will break me again. I’m worried they won’t take care of my heart.

There is no reason to worry, no reason to fear, no reason to be anxious, yet the wall still stands. Slowly bricks fall and slowly I learn to let people see past the crumbling wall into the broken shards of my heart, but I am a work in progress. Walls don’t come down overnight and it takes a while for heart to be repaired.

Slowly, I pull back my defenses and let the Repairman climb through the holes in my wall and put my heart’s pieces back together. While I tried to keep everyone out, He fought for a way in. It is only when He makes my heart whole that I will have something to offer the Heart who waits patiently outside my walls, waiting for me to let him in.

Be patient, Heart. The Repairman is working.

Sex and dating: 2

I’ve been putting this post off for over a week now. “Why,” I ask myself. Because, it’s awkward. Who wants to read about sexual sin on the internet? Who would blog about that? The common Christian reaction to this kind of sin is to shun those people or keep it hushed. The common worldly reaction is the opposite, acceptance. But what is God’s reaction? It is forgiveness and love. That should be our reaction as well.

Though for most of my life I thought these things didn’t actually happen, that they only happened to those people, whoever they are, I’ve come to realize that this sin, although treated differently than others, is just as common. People are tempted just the same. People struggle just the same. Just as lying, stealing, and drunkenness are sins, and they are all forgiven by our mighty God, so sexual sin is forgiven.

On February 1, my church had a second night of a dating/sex talk. This time, it was mostly about sex. These are some notes that I took that I think could be beneficial, and that’s why I’m posting this awkward, hush-hush, “who wants to read it anyway,” blog.

Dating in high school.
Is it ok, is it not ok? Although I’m not in high school anymore, I liked what my youth pastor had to say. Well, what’s the point of dating? Dating is to get to know someone. My youth pastor encouraged us to date for the purpose of getting to know people, to be comfortable with guys/girls in conversation. Learn how to be friends and have fun. Nothing physical.
-The more you know about yourself, the easier it’s going to be to have boundaries.
-Even when mentors/pastors tell you what is right, you need to find out for yourself what is the right thing to do. What is right has to mean something to you.

God in relationships.
How can I include God in my relationship?
-Put God first in your relationship.
-If you can love God first, you can love that person.
-If you can’t find God in your relationship with that person, it will be hard to find Him in your life.
-When you’re following God, you desire him more. If you’re not going to church because of that person, this should be a red flag. You should want to be closer to God, not farther from Him. Those people who hold you accountable are at church, and you don’t want to go to church, this should be the red flag.
-Two of you together should be a better picture of who God is. If you’re both following God, you can encourage each other.
-Be careful not to be too intimate. If you or the other person is using God as an excuse to be alone with this person.. Red flag.

Freedom in relationships.
-God wants us to be free.
-When we choose sex outside of marriage, it makes us captive. You become a slave to need rather than desire/want.

Turkeys.
Don’t preheat the oven if you’re not going to cook the turkey.
It would be foolish to preheat the oven if you’re not going to cook something…Think about it.

Unexpected explicit sin.
-Run. Tell somebody. Lose your pride. Call out to God.
-Telling someone is important. If you keep it inside, the sin grows. No one knows and there is no one to hold you accountable. It becomes easier to keep on sinning.
-When watching movies, don’t fall in love with the picture of broken relationships. Movies that idealize adultery or sex before marriage, they put a picture in your mind of what relationships are “supposed to look like.” But they aren’t like that. Those relationships are very broken.

Wrapping it up.
There is a struggle, and it’s always present. But why is it so hard? I’m never tempted to murder someone…Lying, stealing, murder. Society will tell you that those sins are wrong. Sexual sin? Society says that it’s good.

Christ died for freedom so that we can be free. Galatians 5:1

Complement each other like colors.

I’ve been thinking out loud with my friend Mallory, and here’s what is finally settling in my heart. I’ve heard these things before, but it’s finally making sense.

In Dating Delilah, Pastor Judah says, “Guys, has the woman you are considering marrying put her life on hold in search of a man who can bring her definition and direction? I didn’t marry that kind of woman. I knew that Chelsea was going to change the world whether I married her or not and I wanted to join her team. You have to understand that you individually have a purpose outside of a relationship with another person. God has a plan just for you!”

…Isn’t that sweet?

I finally get it! My plan for my future can’t be, “I want to get married and be a missionary.” Yes, I would love for that to happen, but I need to be seeking what God wants me to do, and not let my future be dependent on getting married. Maybe God wants me to be single for the rest of my life. Yikes. That’s a terrifying thought! But my point is, I need to be ok with that if it’s God’s plan.

I want someone to come in and complete me so that we can go do amazing things for God’s kingdom together, but I think God wants me to be ok with just bringing glory to Him by myself. I need to be complete with just me and God, then maybe I can fall in love. I need to be ok with whatever God is leading me into without being dependent on having someone else there. If God is calling me to teach overseas as a missionary, I need to be able to do that without a husband in the plan.

I need to be complete with just God, with or without a man. If I find completion in God, then I will be able to let the the relationship I have with my husband complement my relationship with God. My life will still only be complete with God and not more complete with the man.

I’m letting out a huge sigh of relief. It just makes sense. Now, if only I could begin to let God complete me instead of trying everything on my own. One step at a time, right?

Escape!

I’ve been reading a book about purity called Dating Delilah (by Pastor Judah Smith of Generation Church). Today I was reading chapter 5, The Way of Escape. Later in the day, God faithfully gave me a situation to practice how to escape.

In this chapter, Pastor Judah says there is always a way of escape when you are tempted. “When God says He will give you an exit, He will give you an exit.” One of the examples he gives is of Joseph when he is tempted by Potiphar’s wife. Joseph was given a way of escaping, to run. But it wasn’t an easy thing to do. He left his coat and ran. It would have been easy for Joseph to justify this temptation. He could lose his job if he didn’t please his master. God put him in that house. Judah says, “We can attempt to come up with spiritual excuses for sin but what we need to do is let go of garments immediately.” We need to take the opportunity to escape.

So, today in french class, we were watching a movie called The Spanish Apartment. We watched it last week as well, and it was a little suggestive, but I didn’t think it was too bad. Today was a different story. I was appalled by the nudity, sexual content, swearing, etc. It was horrible. I was embarrassed to sit in class where my friends were laughing at repulsive “jokes.” I should have gotten up and walked out, but I lacked courage. After a while, an image pushed me over the edge. I reached in my backpack and pulled out my book, Dating Delilah, and began to read the end of the chapter on escape. How perfect it was to be encouraged by his words! The movie was in a french, so without looking at the screen/subtitles, it was a bunch of mush for my brain while I read the book. Escape. I thank God that earlier in the day He taught me how to escape from impurities and temptation.

“Often times the way of escape presents itself in the form of the Holy Spirit instructing you to get out of a situation.”

Some other highlights from this chapter include:

“The closer you get to fulfilling your dream, the harder Satan will try to entice you to sin. This is because the fulfillment of your destiny will lead to the enemy’s demise.”

Three short years after Joseph was tempted, he would be the second most powerful man in the world. When we say that what we do now while we’re young doesn’t matter in the long run, Judah says this: “Some of you think, “I’m just a college student, what’s the big deal?  The things I do now don’t really matter in the long run. I can still get it together.” In reality, you may be three years away from entering into the place of authority God has prepared just for you. You may be three months away from a defining moment that propels you into His grand plans.

Lastly, “Matthew 16:26 tells us that a man does not profit if he gains the whole world but loses his own soul. So you’ve got the clothes; you’ve got the house; you’ve got the girls. What if you lose your soul? Is it worth it?

Sex and dating: mostly dating.

I don’t usually go to high school youth group since I’m no longer in high school, but tonight was a special night, a night dedicated to talking about sex, dating, and relationships. Some questions went something like this, Is it ok to date in high school? — Is dating ok if you’re not ready for marriage? — Is it ok to date someone who isn’t a virgin? — How does God fit in to dating? There were more, but we didn’t find out what they were because we talked too long about dating. Fortunately, there will be another night of discussion.

Some things that really stuck out to me are:

1. 1 Timothy 3 is a list of qualities for leaders and overseers in the church. Dave said that this list should be the list that our husbands should measure up to because we should want our husbands to be good enough to lead the church.

2. We discussed the word “dating.” In high school, “dating” is liking someone, then asking them to be your boyfriend/girlfriend, then going on dates. In the real world, “dating” is asking someone out, going on a series of dates, then if you would like to pursue a relationship, you discuss being in an exclusive boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. High school and the real world are the exact opposite. I’d never thought about that before.

3. My husband is alive right now. He is a living, breathing, man, somewhere in the world. He is alive. God is preparing my heart for him, and his heart for me. I need to be constantly praying for him, that God will protect him and be with him. It makes me so excited that God is preparing us for one another. I can’t wait to meet my future husband, but for right now, I just pray that he is seeking God with all of his heart, soul, mind, and strength.

It was a good, deep discussion, and I can’t wait to continue it!