These past few months have been difficult to say the least. It’s a story that doesn’t bear repeating for the sake of the hearts involved. And even if I could share details, words would fall short.
(No, it’s not my marriage. No, it’s not my kids. No need to try to “figure it out.” Just let these words be enough. And I pray you glean something encouraging for your own heart.)
What do you do when the “right thing” isn’t the “right thing” for everyone? What do you do when your heart is heavy with a burden, a burden that shouldn’t be held alone, but one that can so easily pierce the hearts of others when they bear it too? To share the burden is to burden others with the load you once carried on your own. It weighs down their shoulders, but more, it weighs down their hearts. They carry it, they stumble with it. It is so devastatingly difficult for someone to carry another’s burdens when they still have their own to carry. And there’s no taking it back once it’s shared, leaving another heavy load upon your own shoulders– the guilt of having weighed someone else down.
Words fall short at times like these. They aren’t enough to say “I’m sorry”; they aren’t sufficient to heal the broken heart of the burdened one. There isn’t a single word in any language that would ever be enough.
I’ve been told I’m not enough, but I know it to be true, too. To strive to be something that I’m not (the “enough” that I wish I could be) is unfair and unrealistic. It’s another burden to add to the load. It’s a pair of shoes I was never meant to fill.
I am not a healer of hearts. I am not the one who is strong enough to carry burdens. I am not the repairer of broken things. Though my heart aches to be enough, to be able to take away the burden, to be able to repair what is broken and reconcile what seems so far gone, so lost, I can’t. I won’t ever be enough.
The only thing to do is to lighten the load again– to give that burden (the new one and the old) to the One who desires to take them, who is strong enough to carry them, who is big enough to not grow weary, who is enough to be all that you need.
I am not enough. But I know Him. I know the One who is enough. I know the healer, the strong one, the repairer. I’ve seen his work. I’ve been his work. He has healed and repaired my heart when I thought it was broken beyond repair. He has been all my strength when I had none. He has been the carrier of my burdens, and he carries them still.
I pray you find the One who can carry your burden. The ones you carry for yourself and the one I’ve left you with. I pray that you come to realize that you don’t have to carry them anymore. They’re heavy. They’re debilitating. They’re destructive– to yourself and to everyone who cares about you (that list is long; you are not alone).
Anger. Bitterness. Sadness. Hurt. Defeat. Grief. Confusion. Anxiety. Depression.
You weren’t meant to carry any of them. But oh how they weigh you down when you do carry them. Your heart aches with an aching that no one can heal. If only time could rewind. I get it. I’ve wished for the same thing so many times in my life. If only time could bring him back. If only time could put the words back in her mouth. If only time could erase the thoughts, take the burden away. If only time wasn’t such a thief.
There is no easy answer and for that I’m left with so few words. Not even one– not a single word– if you’re looking for words that can mend the broken heart. I don’t have words like that.
I’m not the healer. I’m not the repairer. I’m not the one who will carry your burden. I’m not enough, and I never will be.
But I know the One who is.
Tell Your Heart To Beat Again — Danny Gokey