To love the one you cannot love.

The one where I’m brutally honest about something I’ve never posted in public.

How do you love a man who brings knots to your stomach and silence to your lips
whose voice makes your insides cringe and your outsides stiff…

who lies through his teeth, telling the world his beautiful lies,
claiming to provide,
though your family collects unemployment checks from the government
and groceries from the food bank
while he sits on the couch for 10 hours a day…

Not a care,
Not a worry,
No guilt,
And still no job applications…

How do you love a man whom you have always feared
to put you on the streets,
or in the hospital,
or in the grave,
though realistically, probably only from a broken heart
and shattered expectations…

How do you love the man who called you a rebellious liar,
a child, a runaway,
when you followed your dream,
and believed in what the Lord could do through the passion in your soul…

How do you love the man who calls himself a lover of God,
yet lies to his friends,
his church,
his family,
himself,

Whose anger you know better than his love,
whose yell you recall more closely than words of affirmation,
whose eyes have never seemed kind

and whose hands have always been an enemy,
instead of a
counselor
protector
comforter…

How do you love the man who has made you cry,
more than he’s made you laugh,
whose blood runs through your veins,
but whom you fear to call your father?

—–

How did he forgive them men who betrayed him for silver,
who mocked him,
beat him,
lied about him,
killed him?

How did He love the ones who could not be loved?

8 thoughts on “To love the one you cannot love.

  1. Oh, Hannah. I am so sorry. I wish I had better words of comfort than that, or I had a magic answer, but I don’t. However, know that I love you, and you’re an amazing woman. It will (hopefully) get better soon.

    Zannie

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  2. You love him simply because he is, unconditionally, just for the fact that he exists. Not because of his personality or the things that make him an individual – but just for the fact that he is a creation of God (albeit maybe a flawed one.)
    You do not give yourself over to him or let his words control your actions or his actions control your emotions. You love him simply just to love. It does not matter who your love is directed at, it only matters that you do indeed love. That in itself is the greatest gift we have ever been given – the actual ability to love.
    Yes it takes control and strength to love unconditionally, especially to love people who have hurt us. But in the end it does not matter how they treated you, as long as you have always loved them in return.

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