The wall.

Three years ago I started building a wall. Brick by brick I built it. I built it strong and tall for fear that the heart inside would be captured and broken again.

Now the wall is being broken down and it terrifies me. Bricks are falling and the inside of my heart is becoming vulnerable again. As more bricks fall, I put out my strongest defenses and wait. I prepare for the worst so no one will be able to knock down the rest of the wall. I brace myself for the worst attacker, Heartbreak…

If he says, “I can’t talk,” I assume he means, “I can’t talk because I really don’t like you. I’m secretly hiding it so you don’t get hurt. By the way, I’ll probably never want to talk again because now it’s just awkward.” Yikes!

But it isn’t true. Heartbreak never comes. I worry for nothing.

“I can’t talk,” usually means, “My brother needs the computer so I’ll text you later,” or, “I wish we could talk, but I have to go to the store for my mom because she’s not feeling well today,” or, “I just went running and I’m starving, but I’ll be back in an hour.”

A few more bricks fall from the wall I tried so hard to build. Why do I try to defend a wall that doesn’t want to stand? Why do I build this wall when Heartbreak is no where to be found?

Because my heart has broken before…
Because I’m afraid of being vulnerable…
Because someone told me I wasn’t worth the wait…

And because there was a time when someone said, “I’m sorry I can’t talk,” and it really did mean, “Our lives are too different and I could never love you enough. By the way, I’ve fallen in love with someone else, so we can’t ever talk again. It’s better that way.” Ouch.

My heart loved until it hurt and then it broke until there were enough pieces to build the wall. This wall around my heart prevents me from letting in people I love because I’m worried they will break me again. I’m worried they won’t take care of my heart.

There is no reason to worry, no reason to fear, no reason to be anxious, yet the wall still stands. Slowly bricks fall and slowly I learn to let people see past the crumbling wall into the broken shards of my heart, but I am a work in progress. Walls don’t come down overnight and it takes a while for heart to be repaired.

Slowly, I pull back my defenses and let the Repairman climb through the holes in my wall and put my heart’s pieces back together. While I tried to keep everyone out, He fought for a way in. It is only when He makes my heart whole that I will have something to offer the Heart who waits patiently outside my walls, waiting for me to let him in.

Be patient, Heart. The Repairman is working.

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2 thoughts on “The wall.

  1. What beautiful imagery.

    Isn’t it amazing how easily we can perceive things based on the past and end up perceiving them all wrong? And then add language and interpretation and it gets messy. It is hard to rewire those pathways in our minds, but it is oh so necessary.

    Thankfully we have a Repairman to do it for us.

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  2. Wow so deep and so profound. But why such pain for a heart so young. I’ve taken years to build up love and trust even decades. To be replaced by more “loving” and “trusting” one who don’t even claim to have a relationship with Jesus. To give up everything “Wife, children, friend, house, job and life” to know the Love that GOD has for us. It’s worth it all!!!

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