I often think I can do life on my own. I think I’m in control and I can be independent. God knows better. He knows we can’t do life on our own and he knows the body of Christ must help each other. We encourage, support, pray for each other and help with physical needs. Everything we own, everything we are, all our resources — they are not our own but belong to God.
Still I struggle to let go of things that I claim are mine. I think I’m entitled to all my belongings. I think ridiculous thoughts like, “I earned this,” or “These are fruits of my success.” I ignore this truth: I would have nothing if it weren’t for God’s grace. I am nothing without God’s grace. I am completely dependent on him.
I hate being dependent and I hate asking. Asking for help, money, a ride. Hate it. Yet God wants me to be dependent on him. A few weeks ago he put it on my heart to pray for a car. Yeah. A car.
Here’s the deal… My heart is for Seattle. Since doing Urban Plunge, my heart for the city and its people has only increased. My heart aches when I’m away from the city and aches for the people when I’m in it. I want to work with New Horizons, a drop-in shelter for homeless teens in downtown Seattle, as a mentor to the youth. Someday I hope to live downtown so it’s easier to serve the city, but right now it isn’t possible.
Right now I live in a suburb just North of Seattle. It’s a 20-25 minute commute in a car and about an hour and a half by bus. By car it’s possible for me to serve while simultaneously going to school and working. By bus it just won’t work. It’s too much of a time commitment to bus to and from school and bus to and from drop-in nights at New Horizons and work to put myself through college.
I know where, who, and how I need to serve, but I don’t have the means to do it. It’s difficult for me to have such a clear purpose from God and not be able to fulfill it with my own resources. That’s where this prayer comes from.
All these thoughts run through my mind: I don’t have money for a car. I can’t take out loans for a car. Uhh, God, isn’t it selfish of me to ask for a car? That’s kind of too big. Give me something smaller to pray for. Who would give me/let me borrow their car? People will think I’m crazy. Yeah, God.. you’re crazy. How ridiculous.
I remember how Sara laughed at God when he said in her old age she would have a son and how God gave her the son he promised. I still think this is ridiculous. I’m a terrible pray-er. I don’t even do small prayers very well. Yet God is big. I don’t know how big, but I know he can accomplish some pretty crazy things. So here I am praying for a car and waiting on God. Will you pray with me?