The battles I can’t fight.

Life has been difficult lately. Maybe it’s not as obvious to you because I’ve gotten good at wearing a smile, but in my heart I know it.

I’m sitting here in the middle of struggles that tear down my heart, burdens I can’t carry, battles I don’t want to fight and responsibilities I didn’t ask for. But I am here, right here, living this life and God knows all of it.

He knows where my heart is at. He knows when I don’t have the energy to get out of bed in the morning. He knows when I don’t have the focus to complete simple tasks or the concentration to attempt homework. He knows when my heart is heavy from expectations I can’t meet.

He holds the tears I cried yesterday and the tears I cried today. He holds me when I’m crying and he holds my burdens even when I think I can carry them myself.

Nothing gets past him. He has a plan for me when life is out of control. I’m learning that no matter how much I want to be and how hard I try to be, I’m not in control of my life. I don’t even have power over my own breath.

And I’m learning that it’s ok to lose battles and to lose control, to know that God is in control and I am not. It’s ok to realize defeat, to surrender, and understand that battles I once thought easy are no longer easy. When I’m given things I can’t handle, he knows and he is with me, fighting the battles I can’t fight.

I don’t know when I’ll find the end to this, but I have faith God will take me there. Someday soon life will return to my life. Jesus, fight for me and carry me there.

“The Lord watches over all who love him.” Psalm 145:20

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3 thoughts on “The battles I can’t fight.

  1. Funny that this is not only the 2nd post I’ve seen, that has a thread about control, in as many days, but I’m also writing about control in Step 4 of my 12-step program.
    Step 4 is not just about making a “fearless & moral inventory”, but listing all those bad things along with my assets. Giving up control is part of the healing for me. It’s uncomfortable. I don’t like it. But, it’s necessary for me to fill that void in my spirit back up with all that is around me. And that my whole (short) time in active addiction led me here. Where I am today. Learning to cope. Learning to accept. Learning to forgive. Learning to love. Again. Like a child.
    And those expectations?? I did the same thing at your age. Always set them too high. Setting myself up for defeat. And disappointment. And shame. But, now, I try to not imagine expectations. I believe that is part of what brought me down. Unfulfilled expectations. Someone shared with me, early in my recovery, that expectations only lead into resentments. And I sure don’t need any more of those to write about!!!
    I hate all the cliche quotes, but one I do use is “living life on life’s terms”. For me, it means not always getting my way or what I prayed for. And I have to be OK with that. Accept that I am not perfect, nor can I perform perfectly at every task.
    And for those times when I do get a little down on myself, I remember to look back & see that one set of footprints in the sand. (I’m a visual person) God carries me when I seem to have given up. And then He shakes me so I can open my eyes & see the wonder of life before me….

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  2. This is a really inspiring post, Hannah. It’s a great reminder that God is in control, and that He has a perfect plan for each and every one of our lives, whether it feels like it or not; I think that’s something all of us often need to be reminded of. Well done.

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