A somber feeling is taking over my heart. I feel myself changing and I am realizing before the change is done. It’s strange, this heavy feeling. It’s a physical burden that my body carries reluctantly. I walk throughout my day wondering who this stranger is that wears my clothes and speaks words with my voice. This isn’t the girl I remember. Is there another soul who now inhabits this body?
I’m left with this frame of me; a shell; a remnant of who I was, left without desire, without passion, without focus. It hasn’t always been like this. Once upon a time there was joy and life. I felt alive, accomplished and adventurous. Today I wake up and I feel defeated.
It’s strange to watch myself become something different, like a caterpillar becoming a butterfly, yet still in the middle of making its cocoon. This is probably a stage of growing up — of needing independence but being forced into dependence; feeling trapped in my small life when my dreams are much bigger; carrying the weight of wanting that is shot down with overwhelming ‘no’s’ and ‘not yet’s.’
But whatever it is, I still have statistics homework that I’m behind on because I can’t focus for more than two minutes. I still have three weeks of spring quarter and one more year of college after that. I still have people to see, bills to pay and applications to complete before I graduate. So I get up, swallow this feeling of defeat and wear a smile. Something about it doesn’t feel right. It’s empty.
There are wings waiting on the other side of this cocoon, but I’m still the caterpillar who doesn’t understand.