A somber feeling is taking over my heart. I feel myself changing and I am realizing before the change is done. It’s strange, this heavy feeling. It’s a physical burden that my body carries reluctantly. I walk throughout my day wondering who this stranger is that wears my clothes and speaks words with my voice. This isn’t the girl I remember. Is there another soul who now inhabits this body?

I’m left with this frame of me; a shell; a remnant of who I was, left without desire, without passion, without focus. It hasn’t always been like this. Once upon a time there was joy and life. I felt alive, accomplished and adventurous. Today I wake up and I feel defeated.

It’s strange to watch myself become something different, like a caterpillar becoming a butterfly, yet still in the middle of making its cocoon. This is probably a stage of growing up — of needing independence but being forced into dependence; feeling trapped in my small life when my dreams are much bigger; carrying the weight of wanting that is shot down with overwhelming ‘no’s’ and ‘not yet’s.’

But whatever it is, I still have statistics homework that I’m behind on because I can’t focus for more than two minutes. I still have three weeks of spring quarter and one more year of college after that. I still have people to see, bills to pay and applications to complete before I graduate. So I get up, swallow this feeling of defeat and wear a smile. Something about it doesn’t feel right. It’s empty.

There are wings waiting on the other side of this cocoon, but I’m still the caterpillar who doesn’t understand.


One thought on “Stranger.

  1. I know the feeling. If I were you, i would ask God to make His plans for your life more clear to you and ask him to confirm that everything that you’re doing now is sowing into His kingdom and the amazing plans He has for you. And you should ask Him for some romance (not from a boy, but from God, Himself), He is the lover of our soul and He understands that as His bride, we need some romance and excitement in our relationship. You don’t have to be noble or responsible (not that you should be irresponsible), but God doesn’t want you to do anything out of obligation, What He wants is that the Lover of your soul, whose banner over you is love, who desires to rest His head on your chest, who longs to be with you, who made the first move and came after you so that He could be one with you, who saw you as the joy set before Him even as He carried the cross on His back, your bridegroom, and you would be so ecstatically lost in love together that the by-product of your love is far more productive than anything you could possibly do by working hard under obligation. We as Christians have this dialect that God is ‘teaching me a lesson,’ but we don’t perceive that what He’s doing is wooing us and looking into our eyes and letting His all consuming fire just see our hearts and our hearts, when we hold His gaze, can’t help but burn aswell and be purified by the rarity of true Love, we see it and it inspires us to give up our defenses and to go after what He goes after. Man, my Lord and my Lover is so good to me. I read Song of Solomon today, if u couldn’t tell… I should read it every day! I also went to see Jesus Culture, which I should also do every day! And you should also remember that there would be no point of God keeping us on this earth if it weren’t for the great commission, so anything that God has ordained in your life right now is directly related to that. God says come and be with me! There is no point in my sacrifice if I cannot enjoy you, you are what I want, I did it for you, this game that we play is meaningless, I want YOU. the things that you do have no power in themselves, anything that you do by your own strength stands against my power in your life, it is I who makes all things work together for your good, I am the way, the truth, and the life.

    that was long. That woulda been awesome if you were at the Jesus Culture concert! God is about to do some amazing things in our generation in the coming years, and I’m very excited for the part that I know we’re both gunna play in it! You’re way too adorable and I’m so excited to see all the amazing things God has for you! goodnight! 😀


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