I’ve lost me.

I’m escaping to the library between classes this morning. Really, I should be in Stats class, but today I just can’t. And Monday I couldn’t either. The last 5 weeks of being in school and working too many hours have been some of the hardest 5 weeks of my life. I escape to the basement in the library where I can write because this is where my heart feels at home; feels safe; feels the tiniest bit of rest in the chaos that I can’t control or scare away.

Last week I failed the first test I have ever failed in college. I have done about 7 homework assignments in 5 weeks between 4 classes. I should probably definitely care, but I just don’t.

I should care because I’m paying (with my mother’s help) too many thousands of dollars a year for college. I should care because my future depends on it. I should care because I’m only a year away from graduating. I should care for a lot of reasons, but I don’t because I can’t. I can’t find the energy or the joy or the motivation to do anything, even those things that I enjoy.

I’ve lost my joy. I’ve lost my smiles. I’ve lost me.

So I’m sorry I can’t…

Satisfy your expectations of what I should do, who I should be, or how I should feel.

Encourage you the way I wish I could.

Be excited for you with all the joy and enthusiasm I used to have.

Listen to your frustrations and help you carry your burdens.

Keep up with every obligation — significant or insignificant.

Remember to take you out to coffee and ask you about your life.

Be the friend you need me to be.

Sometimes I hide it well behind this smile that I used to wear so well, and sometimes I don’t care to hide it at all. I’m sorry for the inconsistency and I’m sorry if I’m not making sense. I rarely understand it either. Please be patient with me and keep on praying for me. This won’t last forever, but right now life is pretty tough.

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