Until I trust you with my life.

Tonight my heart needs a lullaby and strong, faithful arms to rock her to sleep. She’s so tired; so lost; so far from where she should be.

God calls my heart into his love, but all she sees is an overwhelming list of obligations — of things to measure up to, though I’m not sure I ever can.

“Give me your all,” he says to me, and I roll over in my bed, curl up, and cry. God I know you want my all, but I don’t know how to give you that. I’m sorry, God. I’m sorry I’ve failed you. I’m sorry I’m not smart enough to figure this one out.

“I’ve got a great plan for you, baby girl,” he whispers softly. But Papa I don’t see it. How can I trust you with my fragile heart? How can I know that you’ll take care of her? How can I know you won’t let her break?

“Seek me. Look for me until you find me. I promise you that you will.” The tears keep rolling. I want to believe it. But Jesus, I’m so tired. Will you ever be found by me? How long will it take until I know you, until I see you, until I trust you with my life?

I want to follow you with all of my heart, God, with all of my soul and all of my life, but I’m not sure where to begin. I know it looks different from how I’m living now, but I don’t know how to get there.

I want to be your beloved daughter. I want to seek you and know you and love you more than my own life, but now all I can do is cry from the weight of these things in my heart.

For now, God, please stay with me, hold me, and show me how to die.


2 thoughts on “Until I trust you with my life.

  1. sigh. this breaking and dying business is so hard and painful and so need to remember and cling to the fact that He really does have our best in mind even if everything looks like He doesn’t.
    glad you liked the song too…it’s so rocking me…


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