Tonight my heart needs a lullaby and strong, faithful arms to rock her to sleep. She’s so tired; so lost; so far from where she should be.
God calls my heart into his love, but all she sees is an overwhelming list of obligations — of things to measure up to, though I’m not sure I ever can.
“Give me your all,” he says to me, and I roll over in my bed, curl up, and cry. God I know you want my all, but I don’t know how to give you that. I’m sorry, God. I’m sorry I’ve failed you. I’m sorry I’m not smart enough to figure this one out.
“I’ve got a great plan for you, baby girl,” he whispers softly. But Papa I don’t see it. How can I trust you with my fragile heart? How can I know that you’ll take care of her? How can I know you won’t let her break?
“Seek me. Look for me until you find me. I promise you that you will.” The tears keep rolling. I want to believe it. But Jesus, I’m so tired. Will you ever be found by me? How long will it take until I know you, until I see you, until I trust you with my life?
I want to follow you with all of my heart, God, with all of my soul and all of my life, but I’m not sure where to begin. I know it looks different from how I’m living now, but I don’t know how to get there.
I want to be your beloved daughter. I want to seek you and know you and love you more than my own life, but now all I can do is cry from the weight of these things in my heart.
For now, God, please stay with me, hold me, and show me how to die.