I am a dreamer… so overwhelmingly a dreamer. I sometimes wonder if the reason I love the clouds so much is because my head is constantly floating in them. Consequently, I’m great at making plans that remain dreams. I’ve been working on changing that. One of my most recent goals, though a long-time dream, is to serve with the Peace Corps.
My plan was to volunteer for a year with at-risk youth and then next spring, to apply for the At-Risk Youth and Community Development program in Central America (specifically Costa Rica. If I’m being honest, that would be the greatest fulfillment of this dream), and leave for the Peace Corps in the fall of 2012.
After going to a Peace Corps meeting I was told that only people who speak very good Spanish are sent to Spanish-speaking countries. I speak much better French. I want to serve with the Peace Corps some day, but I realize that it won’t work in my timing.
I also learned recently that I won’t graduate in June 2012 like I planned because I don’t have enough upper division credits. So I start making plans, again. Should I take on a minor? study abroad? minor in something by studying abroad?
My mind wanders to these thoughts — What do I love? What would complement my communications major? But really, what do I love? Spanish. Culture. Latin American studies.
I make plans. They seem right to me, but at the same time I am terrified. I am terrified to think that God might have something different. I am terrified that my needs won’t be seen; that my wants won’t be recognized; that my desires aren’t good enough to be fulfilled; and that God doesn’t have good things for me. “God, are you really good?” I cry.
I hear this truth: Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails. Proverbs 19:21
And I argue with God. Are you selfish for wanting your way in my life? Am I selfish for wanting my way? How can I trust you with my life, and especially my heart, if I don’t know where you’ll take me?
I am learning that it is not that my desires won’t be recognized or my dreams won’t be fulfilled. God sees me and he has given me dreams for a reason. But the way in which those dreams and desires are fulfilled — that is where he leads.
And then I hear this: Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.” Isaiah 30:21
God was always with Israel, and God is always with me. I will not stumble when he tells me where to walk. It is only my own fear that holds me back now.