[More than] five-minute Friday: Who is that girl I see?

Go.

I stare into her eyes, then down to her feet and back up to her eyes. I survey all that she is and in discontentment I push my shoulders back, put on my sexy face (as my younger brother calls it), and offer an unconvincing smile. I don’t like what I see in her, but that dissatisfying reflection keeps staring back at me — wide-eyed, smile fading.

I see a mask because I am ashamed of walking out the door without it. I see fading color in my thin, flat hair. I see a waist that is three sizes too big. I see fashion that is fading faster than my hair.

I see a girl who doesn’t love her family enough to help out around the house more often. I see a writer who isn’t a real writer, who rarely challenges readers enough to respond. I see a wanna-be follower of Christ who hasn’t picked up her Bible in.. weeks? months? too long.

I see this distorted picture.

I see myself in comparison to you, to the girl next door, and the girl all the guys swoon over. I see myself through the eyes of the world who put on the same mask, who burn their whole paycheck on the newest trends, and who don’t eat in order to be called beautiful. And I am nearly convinced that would be easier because maybe then I would feel beautiful.

But somewhere I’ve been told that won’t be enough. Somewhere I’ve been told that I am more.

I don’t see it yet, but I want to.

I want to see myself through the eyes that delight in me, through the lips that call me “beloved,” and the heart that would give his life for me.

I want to see her. Lord, give me the courage to see the woman you see — the woman who is your beautiful bride.

Done.

(Prompted by Lisa-Jo at The Gypsy Mama.)

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7 thoughts on “[More than] five-minute Friday: Who is that girl I see?

  1. agreed. i want to see her…but i rarely do…every time i look at my wrist it’s that reminder that i want to see Him in me and die to me…still so so hard.

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  2. Hannah – thank you for this beautiful post. I think about that too, all the time. Look in the mirror and think, “Not really special.” – but your beautiful prayer, that we might have courage to see ourselves as He sees us. Yes, that is what we need. I’m 20 and only at the very beginning of trying to understand this messiness of beauty. I ventured over here from Lisa-Jo’s blog, and I’m so glad I did. You are beautiful, in your writing and yourself.

    Hilary

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  3. Oh, I want to just reach out and hug you! It is so crazy how we as women compare ourselves to each other. And I, too, am guilty as charged! I don’t think there will ever be a time when we are completely over it and free of it, this side of heaven, however, I think the more we remember who He his and use HIM as our mirror, the voice of that reflection will change. I can see His daughter shining with a heart to see with His eyes…and THAT is precious, priceless, beautiful!

    Hopping over from The Gypsy Mama

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  4. This was very honest. Thanks for sharing from that “way down deep” place! It’s always an encouragement to hear someone else’s heart, because I know how vulnerable that makes you… it’s a scary place, wondering if other women will still love you! Believe me, I do, and believe me — you’re beautiful!

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  5. I know the feeling well! Sometimes we can tell ourselves we’re beautiful and we don’t even believe it until someone confirms it with us. And sometimes it’s like we read the bible and it’s just like… is my mind renewed yet? Cuz I don’t really feel like this “beloved” You’ve called me. I might suggest reading Song of Solomon.

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  6. Thank you all for your encouragement!

    Katy: What a good reminder!

    Hilary: I’m glad you stopped by! I’m only 20 too, so I understand being at the beginning of understanding. Slowly, we’re getting there…

    Lindsey: I agree, I don’t think we’ll ever be over it, but what an encouragement that as we look to Christ it will be less and less. I’m praying for that reflection of Him.

    Mandy: Thank you, friend. Still need to stop and look for those surprises.. the fresh image that I have forgotten about or never noticed.

    PatchofHeaven: Thank you so much. And I’m glad you stopped by!

    Kelsey: “I don’t really feel like this ‘beloved’ you’ve called me.” I definitely get that. It’s a hard thing to understand. And my church is actually doing a study in Song of Solomon right now. We’re about half way through. It’s been excellent!

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