What’s going on, heart?

My heart is in a funk. It’s been like this for a few weeks months now.

I live in the same house I’ve lived in for 18 years; I live in a familiar town; I have the same neighbors; same church; same job. Yet, I am overwhelmingly missing home.

What does that even mean?

I feel unsettled. restless. anxious. Can any place take away this missing?

I want to rest. I want to feel peace. I want to find home, but I don’t know where to start looking.

I am a fish out of water; a nomad without a country; a girl without a home, no matter how many times I click my sparkly red heels together.

When I survey my heart’s missing, I question location first because I know my own two feet are always itching to pick up and leave. I believe that probably has something to do with this funk because it usually does, but I still know God has me here for now.

So this ‘missing home’ must be more than that. Right?

What’s going on, heart?

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28

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6 thoughts on “What’s going on, heart?

  1. That’s always part of it, isn’t it? That wholeness and peace that we won’t ever know until we get there…

    But I think this is more physical. It’s so hard to explain. Like, I am conflicted because I am here in Seattle and I feel like God has things for me here, but I just don’t feel at peace right now because I want to be not here.

    And then that’s when I think it really has nothing to do with physical location, because at the root of it is “I just want to be somewhere else.”

    I think it’s the feeling of being home… the feelings of wholeness and rest and not feeling like I need to find the nearest hole to crawl in when I go home.

    But like I said, I really don’t know what’s going on. It’s just this heaviness that is hard to pin down.

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  2. i think it is because you want your own space. To make your own mark. Your own furniture, your own colors, your own decorations, things that reflect who you are. When I was your age ( and younger) I had a driving urge to have my own place and it drove me crazy when I could not afford it. I think it is something that God puts inside of us. Maybe not . It could just be Americanism. I still have that now. It still drives me crazy that I cannot make my home what I want it to be for me, my family and to have friends over, but it is not as strong as when I was your age. You have to be patient. You will be done with school soon and then you can move on to the things that your heart is crying to do. Love you, Jenna Esme

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  3. I feel like I’ve felt that way a lot. The need to get away, to go adventure. I have definitely felt that overwhelming MISSING feeling. Usually I’ve been able to connect it to people or places just because I’ve been so physically separated from those things. But sometimes I just want MORE than what is going on in my life. I want more than homework, more than sitting in class, more than taking little adventures off campus. Lately, I’ve so wanted a real honest-to-goodness adventure! Sometimes it’s just so hard to plant our feet and hearts in the here and now and find adventure in what seems so mundane. You know? Anyway, I miss you. We should chat and drink warm beverages some time, together.

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  4. I so identify with this. For me, I think it’s finding that security in Christ. I don’t feel safe or secure. I want to be a wanted member of society, and to be actively giving back to the community. I think I rest in my own crap so much that it just begins to get a hold of me.

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  5. Mom: Now that you say it (even though I know you’ve said it before), it makes sense. That is exactly it. It’s hard to have a burning desire to move on with my life and not have the means or opportunity to do it. And the end of this seems so far away although it will be here sooner than I think. Thanks for understanding and for loving me well and for being a wonderful mom.

    Sammie: I totally get that. Totally. The mundane is difficult. I read a blog called “Making the Mundane Magical” and I think that’s awesome. Though it’s hard, I hope we can work on making our mundane lives magical too.

    Nate: Amen! And it’s so hard to want his stuff that is unknown to us right now when we think we can make our own decisions and know how it’s going to turn out (though that is very far from the truth).

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