This is what I feel like right now.
This is what I want to feel like.
The hard part is knowing where to start. Actually, I know exactly where to start, but my heart is stubborn.
I know it starts with me knowing I can’t begin to untangle my messy heart. I know it begins with me giving my mess to God. I know I will need to stop messing with my tangled web and let the Master Weaver take over. I desperately need him to untie knots and rewrap threads around spools, putting things back where they belong, piecing together my heart, and making my paths straight, but getting my heart to the place where I want to give it to God — that’s hard. I don’t always know how to get to there.
Right now, there’s comfort in this mess. There is familiarity. There is independence. There is a piece of my former identity that I cling to because at times it feels good to cling to nostalgia. And right now, I am stubborn. I want to do things my way, in my timing. I don’t want patience. I don’t want God’s timing. God’s plan doesn’t feel perfect or good right now. I want to do life by myself. And that has left me dreadfully broken.
My mess is overwhelming. It is chaotic. It is heart-breaking and anxious and restless. I hate to admit I can’t do life on my own, but I know so deeply that it will never be possible. My heart will be restless until I choose to rest in God. My heart will be anxious until I choose to give him my messiness. My heart will remain broken until I choose to give God the pieces.
I know what I need and I know how to get there, so why do I still choose to live in this tangled mess?