It cannot be.

It cannot be for this blog.

It cannot be for the goal of encouraging others.

It cannot be for the sake of being a good example or a good Christian or for living up to standards of excellence.

It cannot be for you, or my best friend, or my brother, my mother, my Bible study, or future husband.

It cannot be for any person.

I need to seek God for the sake of knowing him. That is all.

But I’m dreadfully terrible at making it so. I’m crawling at a snail’s pace right now (a distracted snail, at that). Seemingly shinier things catch my eye — usually affirmation, appreciation, and affection — and I put off knowing God until one of the things above demands it of me. A church service thrusts knowledge upon me, a blog post begs to be written, a friendship requires encouragement. So I fill up just enough to pour the God in me into someone else’s emptiness, leaving me empty yet again.

I’m tired of feeling empty. I’m tired of choosing emptiness. I’m tired of not choosing God. I want to choose him and I want to know him, but my flesh is putting up a strong fight against it, and I’m feeling defeated.

I am thankful today that God’s grace is enough for me. I’m thankful he doesn’t give up on me. And I’m praising him, that though I am an adulterous bride, he takes me back. every. single. time.

Advertisements

3 thoughts on “It cannot be.

  1. Wow! Hannah Ruth, you are wise beyond your (and my) years! Your heart is in the right place! It’s sometimes hard to know when you have given too much until you are already empty. Then where do you refuel!?

    I look at it so much differently today than I did 30 years ago when I first accepted Christ. After going through addiction & into recovery brought me back to God with a renewed vigor. I knew part of my purpose was to be able to give back to other addicts! 30 years ago it was about knowing the right verses & passages and spouting them off to complete strangers. Today, I take a more casual (I guess) approach. My brain is horrible with verses today, so I rely on what I have seen work & not work in others and in myself.

    It is sometimes hard to find that balance of sharing what is important in my life today and living it. You will find that balance, where you are not drained. You will find enough left over from today to push you onto the next day. God will show you, especially now that you have asked in front of your millions of readers!!

    Like

  2. Gah! This is true too! (I just read it after your most recent one) I feel the same way, except I’m not even in situations where I can be filled up, so I’ve just been feeling empty, but without a word to name it. But it’s so hard to go after God, and know that you are going after Him for that one reason: to KNOW Him. I feel like sometimes I’m afraid to even start because it just feels like I’m chasing God for something else, you know? Like I’m chasing God to be good, or I’m chasing him to be an example, or something empty and meaningless. Anyway, you hit on exactly how I feel.

    Like

  3. Sammie: “I feel like sometimes I’m afraid to even start because it just feels like I’m chasing God for something else, you know?” I totally know what you mean. I don’t want my heart to be in the wrong place, but then I don’t know how to get it in the right place either.

    Like

Share a thought or two:

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s