This week I went on a crusade to get rid of the junk in my life, to get rid of excess, and to reevaluate needing, wanting, holding on, and letting go.
2 bags of garbage, 2 bags of recyclables, (I live in Washington. We recycle.) and 2 overflowing garbage bags of things to get rid of, sell, give, and I still have more than enough stuff. I still have too much. But it was a start.
My heart debated. It struggled. It made some hard decisions.
I cut down my scarf collection by half, yet I still have too many scarves. I tossed a lot of plane tickets, receipts, trinkets, old planners, and too many movie tickets, and I was shocked at how many movies I’ve seen in my life. I sorted through clothes, prom dresses, dishes, books, VHS tapes, and while I have been sorting my things, God has been sorting my other stuff.
He sorted through my desire for love and for a husband, my “need” to know where I am living next year and how school will be paid for, and my wants for acceptance, security, and to know his plans for my future.
He looked me in the heart and said, “Just want me. Keep seeking me. I’ll get you to your future in time. I know what your heart desires, but you have to want me more. I want you to want me, then we’ll see about the rest.”
I want to fall in love, Papa. Fall in love with me first.
I want to be sure of my future, Papa. Be sure of me, and your future will be sure as well.
I want to feel safe, Papa. You already are. I have you in my arms.
My heart doesn’t quite know these things yet, but she will. It just takes time. I need to work on seeking him with all of my heart, and he’ll keep nudging me and loving me and spinning me around. It’s the beauty of this love story.
My life still has a lot of junk — in my heart and in my closet. Though I got rid of a lot of unnecessary things, I’m still an American living in America. I am surrounded by too much. I still have too much. But I think it’s more of a lifestyle anyway.
It’s when the American Dream isn’t what it’s all about anymore. It’s making the choice of I don’t need more clothes when I really want to go shopping. It’s deciding to take a homeless woman out to Starbucks instead of buying that really cute scarf.
It’s a daily difference, a shift in perspective of how I see the world and myself in the world as a lover of God. It’s choosing love for others over love for myself.
At the end of my crusade, yes, I still have possessions. A lot of possessions. I didn’t burn everything I own. I didn’t even “drop my nets.” But I think God wants to get my heart to that point. Nothing is really mine anyway, and I need to be able to give it away if he asks me to. I need to live with open hands. I need to give when he says give, to let go when he says let it go.
He wants my heart to be able to say, “Take it all. Just give me You.”