Hiding from my heart.

For about three weeks my heart has been a scary place to be. It frightens me to look inside, to search for answers, to plead for answers, to expect anything more than anxiety and confusion and hurt.

I’ve wanted out, to get away, to be far from where my heart can find me.

Blogs have gone unread, and blogs have gone unwritten. Facebook status updates have become more vague or unimportant. Tweets have become scant. I skipped a church service here and there. I’ve undesirably refused to update friends on my life because I didn’t want to give my heart the opportunity to ponder and dwell.

Right now I’m sitting at The Teacup, one of my favorite places in Seattle, drinking Bombay Market tea, sitting next to one of my favorite people, Rachel. We’re reading the Bible, sharing tea, learning about Moses, blogging. It looks like a perfect Monday evening. And on the outside it is, but my heart is heavy again. That seems to have been the permanent state of my heart in the past year.

Many things weigh on my heart. Let me explain my difficulties…

Choosing what to do with my life is a daunting decision, one that is better made when there are choices to choose from. I have none. What interests me is not what I see myself doing for the rest of my life, or even for part of my life. What career can I have with knowing French?

I wonder whether or not I should study abroad in Europe, though the courses may not apply to my undecided major. Or if I should apply for group staff as an administrative assistant (group is our campus worship service).

Should I live in an apartment or in the dorms another year? How will I find roommates who want to live off campus since I have been on an all Freshman floor this year?

I still don’t have a date or a venue or money for a benefit concert that my brother and I are planning.

In other issues, there are relationships that need mending and relationships I wish were starting. I long for a group of good friends at college, and perhaps I pine for romance far too much. Have I mentioned that half the world is in a relationship now? And the other half seems to be engaged?

But most of all, recently I’ve felt very distant from God. I’m not sure what it is, but I have had a very difficult time seeking Him. I say that I want to want Him, but a lot of the time I don’t want that. I think about how adventurous I used to be and what my life is like now, and it doesn’t seem good. I don’t feel like myself. I feel like I have to get rid of who I am. I do want God, and I don’t want to stop following Him. Right now I feel selfish for saying this, but there are some parts of who I was that I really miss, and I feel like a huge part of me is missing. If I’m not following God, then He is the one that is missing. If I am following God, then I am the one who is missing.

I’ve been hiding from my heart for quite a while because it has been too overwhelming to face, but there is one good thing that is always true, whether my heart believes it or not: I am the daughter of the King and Creator of the Universe. He has not given up on me, and He always loves me.

I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait on the LORD; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; wait, I say, on the LORD! Psalm 27:13-14

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3 thoughts on “Hiding from my heart.

  1. Hey honey. I totally see/know/understand what you are going through. Even though our circumstances and problems are different I feel what you feel. It really is as simple as trusting God. When God becomes an accessory on the prephiery of our interests, our lives, everything falls apart. Selfishness consumes us, we become insecure with every part of ourselves and, like you pointed out, we hide from who we are. People are uncomfortable with silence because it causes us to reflect and we become exposed to one of the people we hide from the most: ourselves. All of what you brought up is poignant and impossible to answer. I will be praying for you my friend. Do not be afraid to wrestle with God. David, in the Psalms, would start out crying to God, asking why he was forsaken, but through the wrestling he would see God’s provision, His love, His constant presence, and by the end of the psalm he would be praising God again. Trust in His love, Hannah, and He will guide the desires of your heart.
    ps: we should have coffee sometime. and by coffee I mean tea. and that doesn’t mean we have to spend money, we could do an old fashioned tea party. okay blessings my friend!

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  2. Dear Hannah, The home I grew up in was with parents who were agnostic, and I did not have a relationship with God until the age of 30. My mother was at Virginia Mason Hospital when she was not home in Bothell being cared for 24-7 by my father. At the time I had just returned from San Francisco to Seattle and was back in college at the University of Washington. Pruning a tree mother noticed a lump in her breast, went into the hospital for a biopsy and left with a modified mastectomy. She lived another six months. I was residing at the YWCA in downtown Seattle. Most of my neighboring room-mates were Christian, and they left messages of prayer and encouragement on the bulletin board on the door to my room. For three years I had been an organic chemistry major taking oodles of science classes. It seemed like almost every science class hammered home the law of probability. The point was made that if a person through a coin up in the air and when it landed by random chance approximately 50% of the time it would come up tails and the other 50% it would be heads. (Hold that thought because we will return to it in a bit.) On Friday afteroons I would ride the bus to Bothell to relieve my father as a caregiver, then return again on Sunday evenings to attend classes, staying in school but doing none of the assignments and taking incompletes by prior arrangement with my professors. Exhausted and feeling very alone, one evening I knocked on my neighbor’s door to ask her how does one pray. She was from Eritrea on the Red Sea. In my room she knelt and so did I. Then she asked if it would be alright if she prayed in her own language and my response was, “Of course!” She prayed. I understood not a word until the end when she said, “Amen.” We hugged, and she returned to her room. I said to myself, “Well that was easy enough. I can do that–not having a clue as to what she had said so leaving it totally open for me to ask what was in my heart.” Since I did not know if there was a God, my first prayer began, “God, if you are there, please tell me the answer to….” Well within 24 hours I had my answer. Thinking this could have been coincidental, I repeated my intro and asked another question which was answered as quickly. This went on and on and on. I was receiving answers in the high 90 percentile and through my science training knew that the answers could not be being offered by chance. So, it was my scientific background that brought me to a certainty that God does exist. And, God for me is a very personal God, someone I consult often as one would do with a friend. My neighbor recently gave me a chapter and verse from John to read: 4:20-24. The meaning was greater reading the entire chapter. I meet God all the time, in spirit, in the quiet place of the heart, walking through the pasture carrying heavy buckets of water to the animals, in the cardinal who crosses my path and the raccoon’s paw print that he left in Bebe’s water tub for me to find. I hope this has been helpful. You are in my prayers. Love, Aunt g.

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  3. Hannah, I think I kind of understand what you are going through, because I also felt that sometimes in my life.

    I don’t know how I got to read your blog the first time, but since that day, I’ve been so impressed because of the way you are capable of express yourself writing…

    When you write, with that very sincere way, my life is blessed when I read it. I don’t know you, though I pray you get to learn a lot from this situation in your life, and that you may become a more God-like person everyday.

    One thing I’m sure: We will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living!

    May God bless you Hannah!

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