For about three weeks my heart has been a scary place to be. It frightens me to look inside, to search for answers, to plead for answers, to expect anything more than anxiety and confusion and hurt.
I’ve wanted out, to get away, to be far from where my heart can find me.
Blogs have gone unread, and blogs have gone unwritten. Facebook status updates have become more vague or unimportant. Tweets have become scant. I skipped a church service here and there. I’ve undesirably refused to update friends on my life because I didn’t want to give my heart the opportunity to ponder and dwell.
Right now I’m sitting at The Teacup, one of my favorite places in Seattle, drinking Bombay Market tea, sitting next to one of my favorite people, Rachel. We’re reading the Bible, sharing tea, learning about Moses, blogging. It looks like a perfect Monday evening. And on the outside it is, but my heart is heavy again. That seems to have been the permanent state of my heart in the past year.
Many things weigh on my heart. Let me explain my difficulties…
Choosing what to do with my life is a daunting decision, one that is better made when there are choices to choose from. I have none. What interests me is not what I see myself doing for the rest of my life, or even for part of my life. What career can I have with knowing French?
I wonder whether or not I should study abroad in Europe, though the courses may not apply to my undecided major. Or if I should apply for group staff as an administrative assistant (group is our campus worship service).
Should I live in an apartment or in the dorms another year? How will I find roommates who want to live off campus since I have been on an all Freshman floor this year?
I still don’t have a date or a venue or money for a benefit concert that my brother and I are planning.
In other issues, there are relationships that need mending and relationships I wish were starting. I long for a group of good friends at college, and perhaps I pine for romance far too much. Have I mentioned that half the world is in a relationship now? And the other half seems to be engaged?
But most of all, recently I’ve felt very distant from God. I’m not sure what it is, but I have had a very difficult time seeking Him. I say that I want to want Him, but a lot of the time I don’t want that. I think about how adventurous I used to be and what my life is like now, and it doesn’t seem good. I don’t feel like myself. I feel like I have to get rid of who I am. I do want God, and I don’t want to stop following Him. Right now I feel selfish for saying this, but there are some parts of who I was that I really miss, and I feel like a huge part of me is missing. If I’m not following God, then He is the one that is missing. If I am following God, then I am the one who is missing.
I’ve been hiding from my heart for quite a while because it has been too overwhelming to face, but there is one good thing that is always true, whether my heart believes it or not: I am the daughter of the King and Creator of the Universe. He has not given up on me, and He always loves me.
I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait on the LORD; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; wait, I say, on the LORD! Psalm 27:13-14