My weary heart.

My eyes are sleepy, my body protests, my heart is tired, yet my mind tries to press on. Every part of me knows that I need rest.

I’ve been dealing with a lot in the past week or more. Let me tell you what my heart has been up to.

On Monday, January 18, my Uncle Rick went to the ER for a migraine that wouldn’t go away. He didn’t get to leave the hospital that day because after putting him into a drug-induced coma for the intense pain, they found an abscess at the base of his neck under his spinal chord. The abscess was leaking, causing a staph infection which in turn brought on meningitis. The doctors did immediate surgery on Thursday when they found the abscess, but there were a lot of unknowns: would he live? would he be paralyzed? would he be able to talk? would he remember? So many questions. He was in a coma in the ICU for a few days, attached to more tubes than I have ever seen on any one. He began to show improvements. He moved some. Made grimaces, mostly. And then, Thursday, January 28, he woke up. He has been improving so much… moving, talking, eating, remembering. But it was a hard week.

Everything else seems silly to worry about after a heart-wrenching story like that. But I’m sure you know how things pile up.

Homework keeps piling up until it seems unmanageable. I was sick all day on Tuesday with a fever. I was offered a job, but when I went to fill out paperwork, told that I would have to go through the interview process again with a higher up manager because of a new supervisor. I’ve been overly frustrated with people: hurting me, making me angry, not following through, letting me down. My best friend is moving to Japan for at least 14 months on Tuesday. And then I start thinking about life and my importance and money and why it even matters. I’m sure you’ve had similar struggles. My morals have started sliding. No worries, nothing outrageous. I’ve just been giving Satan a foothold that isn’t safe.

And in the midst of all of that, my relationships have been suffering. And I’m sorry. I haven’t been giving the time that I need to in my friendships or even with my family. I haven’t been giving the time that my good friends deserve. I want to be a good friend: to be there, to understand, to talk, to cherish, to create memories, to be joyful with them, to be silly, to have fun.

But my heart is weary.

And God has been showing me that sometimes my heart will be weary. Life is hard and I will get tired. My heart will get tired. But He is all the strength that I need. He’s not only my strength to get through hard stuff, He fills me up again so my heart is no longer tired.

I’ve been coming back to this verse over and over again:

“When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the Rock that is higher than I.” Psalm 61:2

I need some good rest for my soul. I need a God-date. I need to fill up with His love, grace, freedom. I want my heart to be overwhelmed with Him and not this tiring world.

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