Lately my heart has been breaking over lost friendships. One in particular.
When I gave my life to Christ, I didn’t give him everything right away. It was a slow process… and it continues, but there were some big things I knew I had to let go of. God worked on polishing me and eroding the ugliness from my life. As a result of that, I lost one of my best friends just a few months after I was saved.
Kevin had been my best friend during my junior year of high school — he still remains the best friend that I have ever had. I have never told anyone as much as him, never confided more with anyone, never spent that much time with anyone, or shared so much of my life with someone. He was the epitome of “best friend.”
But while our friendship grew, my heart longed more and more for Christ. And I began to realize that having both was not possible. He and our other friends were about to go on and do great things, but do great things by the world’s standards. I knew that I lived by different standards and that was not going to be my life anymore. Drinking, partying, living with co-ed roommates, swearing, and most importantly, not living with Christ at the center. I knew that if the friendship remained, my relationship with the Creator of the Universe would be compromised. There was not, and is not, room for God and the world in my life. We live in the world but are not of the world (says Paul).
It was one of the hardest and best things of my life to end the friendship, but lately my heart has been hurting very badly. Aching, tearing, tiring.
Recently, I’ve been seeing him around, but the hurt is so obvious. He ignores me and won’t speak to me. My heart feels like it is being stabbed over and over again. I didn’t want to hurt him, but I knew I had to choose God.
Now I’m at a loss for what to do. I miss having him as a friend in my life, and I hate that I can see what we used to be was so great and now it is awful.
Kevin isn’t the only friend I lost on my way to finding Christ. And my heart breaks for each lost friendship. But I don’t know if I should try to repair — at least reconcile these lost friendships — or whether I should let them go and pray for peace. I feel like God wants me to do something but I just can’t figure it out. In the meantime, my heart keeps breaking.
I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.