Your turn…

I talked with a friend today and he put into words this overwhelming feeling that I’ve had for about a year now, a feeling that increases with every day — it’s the feeling of having two lives. I really do. I have a life here in Seattle that involves my past and my present, my family, my friends, church, school, and my job. This is the life I have here, right now. But there is another life I live, a life in San Jose, Costa Rica. The life with my other family, my other friends, my church, my future and my passion.

My life here doesn’t know my life there, not really. And my life there doesn’t know my life here. It breaks my heart in two. There is a piece of me that will always and forever be in Seattle and now also a piece of me that will forever and always be in Costa Rica.

And right now it feels like both of them are breaking, going through trials, being tested in the most difficult ways. Being here doesn’t make it easy to support my friends and family in San Jose. That is incredibly difficult for my heart. But I know my place is here for now. I have a purpose here. And God must know what he’s doing.

With my heart stretched so far, I feel the signs of depression creeping in again. I’m struggling in school, with balancing time, with loving people who have broken my heart, and being a supportive friend, sister and daughter. This is a season in my life and this too will pass, but right now it’s tough to persevere.

For those of you who have been praying, today and yesterday I feel better. Not whole; not nearly. But I feel better. More peace; more joy; more motivation. I feel your prayers dancing around me. I feel the Lord sending himself to my heart, to quiet and calm her. Thank you for walking with me. I truly cherish all those who walk with my heart.

Keep praying, friends. God is a conqueror, and I know he will win these battles for me. Let God be my strength forever and ever.

I hate when his attacks feel like the most important thing in the world. I hate when he lies and tells me that I am not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough. I hate when he attacks my friends and tells them the same lies. I hate that I don’t always recognize him because he sometimes seems so beautiful. And I hate the way he hunts and destroys good hearts.

He is a thief of purity and goodness and righteousness. He is deceitful and he is a liar. And he deserves to be called out.

Only God is good, only God is true, only God is beautiful. When I am hurting, may God be praised. When I am rejected, betrayed, told that I am nothing, may God be praised because in all this, he is still good.

Satan can do nothing to take away the glory of God. Even when my heart hurts and my flesh cries out, when I am tired and broken, I will not be troubled. Lord, do not let my heart be sad, for you are still good.

Forever, my God reigns.

But then a funny thing happened… this morning I woke up in Costa Rica again.

The short story is this: I was supposed to go home yesterday at 2pm, but they gave away my ticket an hour before departure because I was 5 minutes late for check-in. Stupid, I know. They wouldn’t even let me check in. I met a guy who had been waiting on stand-by since Tuesday and he helped me figure out everything about my flight. All the flights were overbooked and they wanted to charge $150 for switching my flight and putting me on standby for next week. I said no. I was not about to pay a fee for them taking away my ticket. If I wanted a confirmed seat, I had to pay extra, and I wouldn’t do that either. Eventually I argued my way out of the $150 fee and said I would wait on standby on Tuesday.

So, I’m in Costa Rica until Tuesday, at least. I have a very good chance of going home on Tuesday because there are many open spaces on the plane, but it is not guaranteed. Luckily, I have wonderful friends who were willing to come back to the airport and pick me up (Gracias Jota and Josue!) and I have a home here, so I have a bed and food, and everything I would ever need.

It’s hardest on my family at home in Seattle, I know that. For me, 3 extra days in Costa Rica is a blessing. It is a gift from God to my heart. But I know my mom and dad and brothers are wishing I was home right now, waking up in Seattle.

I’ll be home in Seattle soon enough. For now, know that everything is fine, I’ll be home when I can, and I’m going to enjoy these 2 more days I have in Costa Rica.

Hasta pronto, Seattle!

GRACIAS SEÑOR.

- Apply for a Visa / pay for all the costs of paperwork for living abroad
- Pay off my credit card
- Save enough money for a plane ticket
- And my mom’s ticket
- Save money to live in Costa Rica while I do not have a job
- Finish 2 quarters at SPU (18 credits each)
- Take a class in the summer at community college
- Prepare for graduation
- Pack up the parts of my life that I will move to Costa Rica
- Make the decision about where to live
- Make the decision about bringing my cat & do paperwork
- Learn to drive a stick shift
- Get a second job this summer
- Go to the doctor to figure how to do medications abroad
- Spend time with friends and family
- Wrap up all loose ends in Seattle

And all of this (plus more) in only 8-9 months. It’s going to be a very busy year.

The heaviest thing on my heart right now is deciding where to live. I have already had two offers from women in the church and tossed around the idea of getting a place with my best friend, Abi. I want to make a wise decision, but right now I’m not sure what that is. I need independence, but I know I can’t be alone, and to start from scratch would be difficult in this short amount of time and with the money that I have. Pray that the Lord would make it clear to me and give me peace about what decision to make.

Living abroad has always been one of my biggest dreams, but it is about to be a big rollercoaster too. There is so much to do and I know I’m going to need patience, perseverance, peace and self-control. God is good and I know he is with me and will give me favor because this is his purpose for my life.

Still, I need two things from you:

1. Pray with me and walk with me this year while I finish one chapter of my life and begin another. I need this support so much.
2. I might be unintentionally very terrible at keeping up with everyone. It’s not because I don’t care about you or our friendship but because this year will be so busy and full of many new things. If you want to hang out, tell me.

And here we go… this adventure is just beginning.

This year I will reach many milestones that mark the end of my childhood and the beginning of adulthood. Not everything has to change. I know I’m still young and can cherish that, but some things need to change.

I will be finishing SPU in June, taking my last class at community college over the summer, and moving to Costa Rica to intern as an English teacher to finish my degree by the end of the year. The next five months I will be taking 18 credits at the university each quarter. In the summer I will be taking a class and working as much as possible to save for moving to Costa Rica (and enough to take my mom with me to help me move in). In September I will move to another country.

Here’s the problem… I am great at spending money, terrible at saving, and unmotivated to study. That needs to change. These habits are not good and will not help me be successful in anything. With these big changes happening in my life this year, I know I need to be more disciplined.

I need to learn self-control.

I need to pay off my credit card, stop putting money on it, and control my spending habits.

I need to spend less time on the internet and more time studying.

I need to make time to pursue God and do it, instead of being lazy.

It is not ok to be irresponsible and lazy with these things and not give them my all. God says to work at everything as though working for him, not for men. It’s time for me to do that.

This year I will work on being self-controlled. God, help me. I know I’ll need it.

The first half of this year, from January through June, my heart and my mind were desolate, dark places. I struggled with incredibly difficult family problems that had me ready to move out or run away to a friend’s house because home was such a hostile place. Full of anger. Full of hurt. Full of disappointment. I couldn’t focus, couldn’t concentrate, was failing my classes, and had no motivation to do better.

I would lie in bed every night, tossing and turning, hoping the day would end quickly. And every morning I couldn’t pull myself out of bed. I often wished I could fall asleep and not wake up or wake up 10 years later, hoping maybe life would be easier then. I cried multiple times a day, sometimes for no reason at all except my eyes needed to overflow.

I tried going to a counselor at my university but she told me everything was fine. “It seems to me that you are a very strong person,” she said. She had no idea. School was hard. Home was hard. Work was hard. Life was hard.

After a visit to the doctor in April I was diagnosed with severe depression. The doctor gave me a test which scales from 50-70. If you rate at 50 or below you are normal. If you are 60 you are moderately depressed, and at 70 you are considered severely depressed to the point of being suicidal. I was rated 78. That was the worst part, and you might not have even known unless I told you, because I’m good at wearing a smile.

The next six months would be some of the best of my life. In June, I flew 3,419 miles to San Jose, Costa Rica for the first time to meet one of my best online friends, Josue, and his church family at Ciudad Renuevo. From my home in Seattle, I had already learned to love Costa Rican culture and had become friends with many people at the church, but after going for two weeks in June, I fell in love with a country and a culture.

I told my new friends and family that I would be back in December, and here I am, sitting at the kitchen table in my house in Costa Rica getting ready to bring in the new year with a dozen of my best friends.

But that time in between — June through December — it was wonderful too. I worked as a swim instruction supervisor all summer and loved it. I went camping with my family and friends like I do every summer. I went to Missouri for two weeks and hung out with my two best friends, Mallory and Saige. I got a new job as a receptionist. I watched my little brother become a legal adult in November. And I finished my last fall quarter at SPU in December.

This year I went through trials, but this year I also saw God’s faithfulness, and I believe God has great things planned for this new year too. God-willing, I will finish studying at SPU in June and will move to Costa Rica in September where I will intern as an English teacher and work at my church, Ciudad Renuevo, building unity and reaching out to the city of San Jose.

Dios es bueno, todo el tiempo. (God is good, all the time.)

Feliz Año Nuevo, a todos mis amigos!

My word for last year was redeemed. In reality, the word God put on my heart was humility. I knew that and all year I wrestled with it. Working on humility hurts, but working on redemption is easy. Redemption means grace and forgiveness and accepting that though I am broken, I am saved. Humility means dying to myself, losing myself, putting God above all and others above me.

This year I didn’t work on redemption, but it kind of happened to me, and in the midst of that, maybe humility sort of happened to me too (though it sounds prideful to say that). This year I learned what grace looks like. I have always been the girl to get good grades and make (mostly) straight-edge decisions, but I am far from perfect. God showed me that. He turned on the light in my ugly heart and showed me all the ugliness I’d been avoiding. He showed me how imperfect I am and how much I really do need him to redeem me.

I learned what it is to be a sinner and what that means in my relationship with Christ. I am nothing without him. He is everything and must be my everything. In understanding my imperfections and in seeing my own ugly heart, God showed me how to give grace and how to love others no matter what they have done or who they are or what they will do and who they will become.

Once you realize how imperfect you are, it’s difficult to judge other people for their imperfections. We’re all broken people, all desperately in need of redemption. When you know that, giving grace and love to other broken people doesn’t feel so difficult anymore.

In these three weeks I’ve been in Costa Rica, the magic has mostly disappeared. My heart is for Costa Rica and will be for a long time, but now I see the real Costa Rica, not just the friends and fun and carefree Costa Rica that I’ve seen before (though those things are still very much a part of being here). I praise God for this because it makes my purpose in Costa Rica that much more real.

As I hear more from the hearts of my friends at church, it is easy to see the brokenness in Costa Rica, in San Jose, in my church, in the families of my friends, and in my friend’s own hearts. And as I am entrusted with heartaches and dreams, I see it more clearly — my purpose and God’s dream for me.

There are two things God has put on my heart about Costa Rica. The first is about ticos in general. It is trust. Ticos have a very hard time sharing their hearts with each other. I know it is part of Latin American culture, but in the church it is detrimental. Because people feel that they cannot be open with each other, there is a lot of gossiping, lying, and hiding. It is hard to not get sucked in. I believe there needs to be openness in the church and that in the body of Christ, believers should be able to trust one another and share even the ugliest parts of their lives. If there is hiding, there is not truth, and the world looks at Christians and they see that. They see broken people pretending to be whole. In reality, we should be broken people who proclaim Christ’s wholeness.

The other problem is very similar, but it is primarily with the people in the church. It is a problem in churches all over the world, and Costa Rica is not an exception. The problem is with loving others. In my church in Costa Rica I might be am seen as kind of rebellious. My nose is pierced. My belly button is pierced. Sometimes I drink alcohol. Confession: I had a beer on Christmas with my sister. For ticos who are in the church, that is detestable. Though I do not have one, tattoos are considered the same. These things are seen as anti-Christian.

To me, this is a huge problem. If a person struggles with alcohol (as it is a much bigger problem in the culture here) then he or she should not drink it. If a person sees a certain action as something against God, then he or she should abstain from it. But when a person sees that action as evil and separates his or herself from people who do those things, they no longer show the love of Christ. God’s love goes beyond our actions and reaches to hearts. Our love must do the same.

The people of Costa Rica see the church as people who are unaccepting and condemning. That is the opposite of who God is. It is the responsibility of the church to show the world what God’s love is. If they condemn everyone who is different, they cannot show the love of God.

So this is my purpose in Costa Rica: to be an example of something different. I am not perfect of course, and I have just as much to learn, but I am not tica (as much as I sometimes wish I was) and it is for that reason that God can use me in this country. To teach, to love, to share my heart and to encourage others to do the same. And it is for that reason that God can teach me through the people of Costa Rica too. We have a long way to go in becoming more like Christ and it is necessary for the body of Christ to build each other up. That is why my heart is for Costa Rica, and that is why I am coming back to be a part of Renuevo.

_____

Ps: I told my tica mom the other night about moving to Costa Rica in September (that is my tentative plan). The next morning she told me she already found a place for me to live with the English teacher that I will be working with next year who also goes to my church. Praise God! I talked with Kristine (the teacher) and she is so excited! Her daughter Josheline is excited too. She tells all the other little girls in the church that I will be staying at her house. What a blessing from the Lord that he is already providing for me.