Tonight you could see Orion’s Belt among the millions of other stars that somehow found there way to our existence. I remembered tonight something that I love about summer. When it’s summer I find that I can remember how much life is such a beautiful masterpiece, a vast eternal something that I cannot begin to understand; and it all begins with the stars. Life seems so much bigger than I and when I look into the unstarless night I think about what is beyond the stars and how God created them all just so I could look at them tonight and enjoy them and wonder about Him and just fall in love all over again. When I look out into the sky and see the stars finally push their way through winter’s clouds, I am thankful because I know that in a few short months it will be summer, God’s way of letting me know that He hasn’t forgotten me. Because as many of you know, summer is my favorite season, the period of my life when I feel most alive, the time when I first began to fall in love with Jesus.
[Originally written on January 20, 2008]
Many of you have told me that you like to read my blog, but you think you can’t comment because you don’t have a blog of your own. Not true! You can leave comments! This may seem like a selfish endeavor, and it probably is, but I love to read your feedback, your questions, answers to questions. You can even leave them anonymously, or join the blogging world. It’s a great community to be a part of. Come on, I triple-dog-dare you.
If I told you that Jesus was my number one priority all the time, I’d be lying. The truth is, I want Jesus badly, but I need to want Him more.
I also want to be wanted.
I want to be esteemed.
I want to be in the crowd.
I want to fall in love.
And sometimes those wants take over my heart and I forget to want Jesus. I want to learn to want Him more.
In my small group today we were talking about all the disaster and hurt in the world and how to respond to it. How does God feel about it? God has been teaching me a lot about this recently.
The other day I heard someone say that disaster doesn’t surprise God. Not in the least. Sometimes we think, God, why didn’t you do anything to stop this, as if He should have seen it coming, but didn’t, or failed to respond correctly. With Haiti on everyone’s mind right now, it’s easy to wonder if maybe God missed something. But God is never surprised by anything we do, nothing ever happens without His knowledge, and He never responds incorrectly. He can’t.
The world is sinful. It is imperfect. It is a disaster. God has a plan to change that (read Revelation), but it is not time yet. So, disaster continues. Christian, take heart! It will change! But today is not the day for that. (At least not yet. We’ll know when it happens.) Today we live in a sinful world, a hurting world, a world full of disaster. And God has chosen me for such a time as this. He’s hired me for a specific job. He’s called me to Himself and His service. He is the King and I am a kingdom worker.
There are so many organizations to invest my time and money in. Everywhere I look there is another opportunity to serve. And looking around at all the options can get so overwhelming! Recently I’ve come to realize that God doesn’t expect me to do it all. That’s His job. My job is to figure out what passions He has given me and invest my time and energy in those things. There are a million and one things to do, and He might want me to do one or two or maybe five, but not all million and one. I can’t do everything. If I try, I will get burnt out. My energy won’t be used efficiently. I’ll be weak and useless in the million things that I try to do. He says to me, “I know you want to serve, but just go where I tell you. Don’t worry about everything else. I have other kingdom workers there. They will take care of it. I will take care of them.”
What a beautiful picture of God’s kingdom workers! He has called each of us to a specific purpose. That is why I can’t ever imagine studying biology and becoming a doctor, but I find linguistics to be thrilling, while others think linguistics is the hardest thing ever. We are all called according to a purpose. He calls all of us to different purposes, and together we make up a grand kingdom of workers with different roles, all striving for the same purpose in Christ. We don’t have to do it all. God has a network of kingdom workers all over the globe, all living out the passions that He has given them. All I have to worry about is what God has called me to.
On a side note: I got a new job today. Filled out the paperwork, start training on Tuesday (with my roommate!). I’m a barista at the Starbucks coffee stand at my college. It’s a dream come true, and such a blessing! (Perhaps a blog about this later?)
Peace doesn’t come from finally understanding God,
His will, His plan.
It comes from trusting Him
and giving Him myself when I don’t understand.
Yesterday I finished reading the book of Genesis. It was a huge accomplishment. I’ve never made it that far in reading the Bible. I’ve dabbled all over the place, but I’ve never set out to read the Bible and read past Abraham. Tomorrow I start reading in Exodus. It feels like I have just made it past the first marker in striving to complete this goal.
Here are some of my favorite parts of Genesis:
– The Lord said to Abram, “Leave your country, your people and your father’s household and go to the land that I will show you.” (12:1)
God didn’t tell Abram where He was taking him. He only told him to go. And so he went, and the Lord blessed him immensely, more than he could have ever asked or imagined.
– Now there was famine in the land…The Lord appeared to Isaac and said, “Do not go down to Egypt; live in the land where I tell you to live. Stay in this land for a while, and I will be with you and will bless you.” (26:1-3)
It didn’t seem logical at all to stay in the land where there was a famine. But God is not logical, and He did bless Isaac.
– But while Joseph was there in prison, the Lord was with him; he showed him kindness and granted him favor in the eyes of the prison warden… the Lord was with Joseph and gave him success in whatever he did. (39:20-23)
The situation seemed bad, but God blessed Joseph in the midst of all the hard stuff. He didn’t just make it by. Joseph succeeded in prison.
– Joseph was thirty years old when he entered the service of Pharaoh king of Egypt. (41:46)
If you go back to 37:2 it says that Joseph was only 17 years old when his brothers sold him into slavery. It took 13 years for God’s plan to be revealed to him. He was faithful to God through it all and after 13 years God gave him more than he could have ever asked or imagined. But he had to wait for it. And waiting was sometimes painful, discouraging, embarrassing, and uncomfortable. Then God showed him his blessing, and I’m sure it was worth every hard moment.
– “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” (50:20)
God works everything together for the good of those who love him and are called according to His purpose. What may seem terrible at the time, God will use for His kingdom. Nothing goes unnoticed. Nothing happens without purpose. Everything is known to God. And He makes it all good.
I cannot minister to people if I am not first filled by God.
He is my portion, my sustenance, my strength. Without His life filling my heart I cannot encourage and minister to other people.
It seems like such a simple concept, and yet I every day I try to be the person that is needed, desired, encouraging, uplifting, full of joy, spreading joy. But I cannot if I am not first filled.
God wants to fill me. He wants to be my portion. He wants to be my joy. He wants to be my strength. He wants to be my everything.
If I am going to be God’s kingdom worker, His bride, His lover, His servant, His faithful daughter — I need to be overwhelmed by His presence. I need to not search for satisfaction in anything else. There is only One who can satisfy me.
Lord, come into me. Fill my heart. Hold me in Your arms. Be my Lover.
And let me be satisfied only in You.
God does not call the equipped.
He equips the called.
My eyes are sleepy, my body protests, my heart is tired, yet my mind tries to press on. Every part of me knows that I need rest.
I’ve been dealing with a lot in the past week or more. Let me tell you what my heart has been up to.
On Monday, January 18, my Uncle Rick went to the ER for a migraine that wouldn’t go away. He didn’t get to leave the hospital that day because after putting him into a drug-induced coma for the intense pain, they found an abscess at the base of his neck under his spinal chord. The abscess was leaking, causing a staph infection which in turn brought on meningitis. The doctors did immediate surgery on Thursday when they found the abscess, but there were a lot of unknowns: would he live? would he be paralyzed? would he be able to talk? would he remember? So many questions. He was in a coma in the ICU for a few days, attached to more tubes than I have ever seen on any one. He began to show improvements. He moved some. Made grimaces, mostly. And then, Thursday, January 28, he woke up. He has been improving so much… moving, talking, eating, remembering. But it was a hard week.
Everything else seems silly to worry about after a heart-wrenching story like that. But I’m sure you know how things pile up.
Homework keeps piling up until it seems unmanageable. I was sick all day on Tuesday with a fever. I was offered a job, but when I went to fill out paperwork, told that I would have to go through the interview process again with a higher up manager because of a new supervisor. I’ve been overly frustrated with people: hurting me, making me angry, not following through, letting me down. My best friend is moving to Japan for at least 14 months on Tuesday. And then I start thinking about life and my importance and money and why it even matters. I’m sure you’ve had similar struggles. My morals have started sliding. No worries, nothing outrageous. I’ve just been giving Satan a foothold that isn’t safe.
And in the midst of all of that, my relationships have been suffering. And I’m sorry. I haven’t been giving the time that I need to in my friendships or even with my family. I haven’t been giving the time that my good friends deserve. I want to be a good friend: to be there, to understand, to talk, to cherish, to create memories, to be joyful with them, to be silly, to have fun.
But my heart is weary.
And God has been showing me that sometimes my heart will be weary. Life is hard and I will get tired. My heart will get tired. But He is all the strength that I need. He’s not only my strength to get through hard stuff, He fills me up again so my heart is no longer tired.
I’ve been coming back to this verse over and over again:
“When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the Rock that is higher than I.” Psalm 61:2
I need some good rest for my soul. I need a God-date. I need to fill up with His love, grace, freedom. I want my heart to be overwhelmed with Him and not this tiring world.
I got a free sneak preview of this song by Tenth Avenue North. I love that it is a love song from my Savior to me. The best way I can describe the relationship that God wants with me is as His lover. I see myself as His bride, His beloved.
“The bride belongs to the bridegroom. The friend who attends the bridegroom waits and listens for him, and is full of joy when he hears the bridegroom’s voice. That joy is mine, and it is now complete.” — John 3:29
“Then I heard what sounded like a great multitude, like the roar of rushing waters and like loud peals of thunder, shouting:
‘Hallelujah! For our Lord God Almighty reigns. Let us rejoice and be glad and give him glory! For the wedding of the Lamb has come, and his bride has made herself ready.’” — Revelation 19:6-7
It is the most beautiful love story of all time.
Beloved | Tenth Avenue North
Love of my life, look deep in my eyes. There you will find what you need.
Give me your life, the lust and the lies, the past you’re afraid I might see.
You’ve been running away from me,
But you’re my beloved. Lover, I’m yours.
Death shall not part us. You I’d die for.
For better or worse, forever we’ll be.
My love, it unites us, and it binds you to me. It’s a mystery.
Love of my life, look deep in my eyes. There you will find what you need.
I’m the giver of life. I’ll clothe you in white. My immaculate bride you will be.
Oh, come running home to me.
You’re my beloved. Lover, I’m yours.
Death shall not part us. You I’d die for.
For better or worse, forever we’ll be.
My love, it unites us, and it binds you to me.
You’ve been a mistress, my wife, chasing lovers that won’t satisfy.
Won’t you let me make you my bride.
You will drink of my lips and you’ll taste new life.
